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CHRIST CHURCH PADGATE |
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From the Parish Pump website Kiss kiss An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
The boss My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
What it’s worth A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son 10p to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.
As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key." Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for 10p."
Romance, love, marriage and all that stuff The way children see it....
What is the right age to get married? 23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10
What do most people do on a date? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say, if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.Martin, age 10
How would you make a marriage work? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.Ricky, age 10
Found by Anne Murray in “The Dalesman”
A disgruntled churchgoer began to complain about the collections. “ There shouldn't be any. Religion is without money and without a price”. He was asked “ Do you pay your water rate?” “Yes, of course” he answered. “Well” he was told “ This is the same. Like water, religion is free, but you pay for the distribution of it”
Found in the magazine of St. Leonard’s Church, Balderstone, Lancashire
I’m very sad to have to report to you the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; a teenager suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Paracetamol, sun lotion or a sticking plaster to a student; but were not allowed to inform the parents when a child became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as celebrating Christmas became offensive; the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches were forced into becoming businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. He took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman in a café failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; Someone Else is to Blame; and I’m A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.
from The Association of Church Magazine Editors A tribute to all committees Oh, give me your pity, I’m on a committee, Which means that from morning till night We attend and amend and contend and defend, Without a conclusion in sight. We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose And the points of procedure are fun, But though various notions are brought up as motions There’s terribly little gets done. We confer and concur, object and demur, We reiterate all of our thoughts; We rehash the agenda with frequent addenda And consider a load of reports. We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve Since it’s out of the question for us; ‘Twould be such a pity to end our committee, Where else could we make such a fuss?
from
the Parish Pump website
The Twenty and the Five
A biscuit pack can bring great cheer, But therein lies a trap – You pull just where it says “tear here” And they all land in your lap….. by Nigel Beeton
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Page updated 17.6.11
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